Shame Breakers

The sexual abuse of children is a horrendous problem it is estimated that 27 percent of girls and 16 percent of boys in the U.S. are sexually abused. (1.) Because of how well abuse remains hidden those figures are likely very low. “Sexual abuse destroys peoples lives, “Sexual abuse survivors are at higher risk for mental health and social functioning problems resulting from feelings of powerlessness, guilt, shame, stigmatization and low self-esteem.”(2.)

This is a very personal issue for me as I was sexually abused by neighbors as a child at the age of eight. I know all too well the feelings of powerlessness, guilt, shame, stigmatization and low self-esteem. I see much of my life as potential unfulfilled resulting from what happened to me as a child. However, here's a shocker that isn't talked about very much. For myself most of my problems stem not from what happened sexually with the neighbors, it came from growing up in a shame based family and society which kept that hidden and secret for over thirty years.

Many stories of childhood sexual abuse only come out twenty to forty or more years after the abuse happened. Yet it seems that when those stories do come out little is discussed about how much the victim has suffered because of keeping such a secret for so long rather than getting early help. Little if anything is also questioned about what may be wrong with our society that so many child sexual abuse victims keep it secret for decades rather than seeking immediate help.

Child sexual abuse is horrible, living in a family and society where the victim is more likely to keep it secret for decades rather than to seek help makes it substantially worse. The photos above are of myself at age 8, the growing darkness represent the abuse, but far more what happens from carrying such a secret for so long.

In many ways I was more fortunate than many sexually abused children. First while I was at a power disadvantage giving that there where two abusers, they where close in age, rather than much older as is often the case. Second, many victims of sexual abuse become promiscuous and/or act out in other unhealthy ways. This includes becoming abusers themselves and repeating the cycle which their victims could end up repeating as well. Thankfully I did not do any of the above, other victims tend to withdraw from their peers, that's the route I took having very few friends in my school years, feeling very much of an outsider.

Because I frequented libraries and read a lot I was able to develop healthier attitudes toward the human body and sexuality, this brought much healing. But it didn't change the fact that I was harboring a secret that I was fearful of others like my family finding out about because of attitudes they expressed about the sinfulness and wrongness of sex, so it wasn't a complete healing, the darkness still grew.

Thus my passion is to work to change societies attitudes about the human body and sexuality so that child sexual abuse is greatly reduced if not eliminated. In fact I will be bold enough to say that the attitudes this society exhibits towards the human body and sexuality are directly responsible for a large percentage of child sexual abuse in the first place. I propose that if this society lived with healthier attitudes toward the human body and sexuality, child sexual abuse would be a very small fraction of what it is and victims would far be less likely to keep it secret for decades if at all. But of course it's far easier to blame a few perverts than it is to look at ourselves and take responsibility as a whole.

My passion is to work for a change in society and families so that if a child is a victim of sexual abuse they will have the confidence and security to tell about it and seek help right away rather than hiding it in fear for decades. My passion is that more children can grow into adults with high self esteem and living healthy, fulfilled, and productive lives rather than carrying the secret weight of sexual abuse with added weight from the scars of sexual and body shame. It is also to help people obtain high self-esteem and healing at any age.

Unfortunately at this time the attitudes about the body and sex in this culture are increasing the problem, not decreasing it. Emotions rather than clear thinking block acceptance of the best ways to prevent child sexual abuse. This also prevents many people from growing up with high self-esteem and confidence.

Due to attitudes expressed about the body and sexuality, by parents, other adults, and society at large, children are often too fearful of things getting worse if they tell, so they usually keep silent. I know that's why I didn't tell anyone as a child. The attitudes expressed about the body and sexuality in this country are often justified as needed to protect children, yet they do the opposite. They put children at greater risk from not being well informed and from seeking out information on their own which is often unhealthy and damaging. There is a lot of work to do. I hope to show in this article positive, rational ways to help decrease child sexual abuse as well as help increase children’s self-esteem. I hope it opens some eyes and minds.

Much of what is written here that could help protect children is a subject that is very taboo in this culture, and that's a big part of the problem. This is largely due to blind spots that we all have in all areas of life. Blind spots are things that can often keep us from seeing what is right in front of us. Blind spots can be caused by many things, not having enough information, making assumptions, not stopping to think clearly, and many more. We often see blind spots on both sides when conservatives and liberals clash, unable to see what the other side clearly sees. They often come as a result of family, religious, and cultural conditioning which I believe is a large part of the situation here.

Many people believe that the more children are shamed, the more vulnerable they are to sexual abuse, the less likely the are to report it if it does happen, and the more damaging the effects of it are. As someone who was abused and grew up in a very shame based family and society, I am one of those people. I feel that this shame is based on fear and emotions rather than logic and reason. Yet many people have a blind spot to this. Unfortunately when peoples emotions are running hot, which they do with the subject of child sexual abuse, it can be very hard to get passed blind spots and emotions to logic and reason.

I saw this slogan recently "Less Education = Less Safe" This certainly applies to sex and the body as much as it does any other subject. To be most protected children must be empowered, to be empowered they must have a good education and open lines of communication where they know they can go to trusted adults and ask or talk about anything without fear.

Our bodies and sexuality are basic to who we are, children need to learn this in healthy and positive ways. The Our Whole Lives comprehensive sexuality education program says "Because children are always learning, we have no choice about whether to teach about sexuality, only how we teach. Are the messages we give are children open and positive so that children will feel good about their bodies, good about being who they are, good about adults who are willing to answer their questions about sexuality issues? Do our children feel able to come to us with their questions?"(UUA)

I believe that at the root of why children keep abuse secret rather than telling about it is the body shame they are taught at a very early age. That was a large part of it for me, and breaking free of that shame was a large part of my healing. Children are not naturally ashamed of their bodies, they are taught shame. How? When children see that certain parts of the body are always covered, they are being taught shame. When children escape their clothes (especially at home) and are punished and/or told that it's wrong, bad, or even indecent to be naked, they are being taught shame. When they are told that a penis is a “wee wee”, or a vagina is “down there”, they are being taught shame. When certain questions make parents uncomfortable, children are being taught shame. When children play with dolls that don’t have genitals, or read books about how wonderful the human body is: that don’t show genitals, they are being taught shame. These are a few of many ways children are taught body shame.

When children are taught that someone might do something bad to them if they see them naked, they are being taught fear and shame, they are being taught that there is something wrong with them that causes others to do bad things. That is a horrible, very harmful, very damaging and false thing to teach that could negatively impact a persons entire life. The cause of abuse is with the abuser, NOT the child! If they are taught clothes will protect them they are also being taught a simplistic and very false sense of security. Clothing does not stop sexual abuse, simple nakedness does not cause it.

As author Pamela M. Wilson points out “When we talk with children about sexuality, they may not remember many of our actual words, but they will remember the tone of the conversation and the feelings engendered during the discussion.” (A.) This is true not just of sexuality but the body or any other subject.

Body acceptance doesn't just preven't sexual abuse it impacts self esteem and health as well. Many people have low self esteem because they don't like or are ashamed of their bodies. Many don't take care of their health for the same reason. To help children feel good and secure about themselves parents and others need to set a good tone are have good music about things such as all parts of the human body including the genitals and sexuality.

Sadly, Children fall prey to negative, shaming, conditioning all too soon. Many children as young as five or six have been taught so much body shame and/or fear that they will only change clothes even in same-sex locker rooms under towels or in a toilet stall, if at all. Such fear doesn't make the child safer, it may even make them more vulnerable to abuse. According to clinical psychologist Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D. "Unlike guilt—which is the feeling of doing something wrong—shame is the feeling of being something wrong. When a person experiences shame, they feel 'there is something basically wrong with me.’”(3) When children are taught that parts of their bodies are indecent and must always be covered, they will feel that there is something wrong with them. When they get negative or harsh reactions to questions of life such as where a baby comes from or why their penis gets hard, things that they are naturally (and should be) interested in, they will feel that there is something wrong with them. Plus, rather than answering fulfilling their natural interest in the human body in positive and healthy ways, it leaves them still wanting to find out, to get answers, that makes them more vulnerable to sexual abuse and unhealthy, wrong information.

According to the book “Sex and Morality”: “Following masturbation, the earliest taboo and sexual moral messages that we learn are about nudity–revealing the genitals. These norms and sexual attitudes seem to effect many people in their adult years. Sex therapists, psychologists and others in the helping professions frequently encounter patients or clients whose problems stem from the shame and discomfort they experience about their own bodies and about how their sex organs appear to others.” “We cant help but believe that such repeated messages about how the body must always be covered, even in front of parents and siblings, helps to create a negative body self-image and, consequently, lowered self-esteem.”(4)

Hopefully young children can be sheltered from the worst of human behavior, but to try and shelter them from something as basic to all of humanity as parts of our bodies that most everyone has, invites trouble. Interest in the human body is very natural and instinctive, it is healthy and it needs outlets for it to be satisfied in healthy, open, controlled ways. If a child is made to feel ashamed of their own and other people’s bodies they will still be interested in the human body, probably even more so, but they may additionally feel there is something wrong with them because of their natural interest.

This interest is so strong and instinctive that when children don’t have the opportunity to fulfill this interest openly with their parents full knowledge and guidance they are almost guaranteed to do it secretly. When this interest is fulfilled secretly it is very likely that it will be fulfilled in a unhealthy and damaging ways. This interest being fulfilled in secret rather than openly by parents and others is another major reason that child sexual abuse goes unreported. That was certainly the case for me, I learned the the body and sex where things it was not acceptable to talk with my family, so I didn't talk about what the neighbors did. It was also what made me vulnerable, interested, curious, even excited about what my neighbors where doing rather than staying away from it and telling about it. I can not stress enough how important and much better it is for such interest to be satisfied in open, healthy, controlled ways with "good music".

Fulfilling this basic interest secretly obviously includes things like playing "doctor" but it also usually leads to pornography. Most children have very easy access to pornography (especially on the Internet). In addition to the Internet 70 percent of all pornographic magazines end up in the hands of minors. Former Playboy model Susie Krabacher cringes at the idea that maturing boys often get their first full glimpse of the female body from pornography. "How can the girls they know compete with that?" she asks. "They can't. Nobody can. Even the women in the magazines can't compete with themselves in perfect pose and perfect lighting and perfect touch-ups. Boys who view these magazines not only develop a sense that women are there merely to satisfy them, but their expectations of what a girl should look like is skewed. In a perfect world, young people would learn about sex from their parents and experience it first with their spouses."(5)

But its not a perfect world, most kids learn shame from their parents and our society, not healthy attitudes about the body or sex. Most kids get their natural interest perverted first by shame, then by pornography. As Susie Krabacher indicated, the problem with pornography isn't as much what it shows, but HOW it shows it. Since pornography is also the most accessible way to see the naked human body in this (U. S.) society, it also reinforces the association of nudity with sex only. I believe that this association is destructive because sexual attraction shouldn't be just about the body. When nudity is taboo outside of sex, I believe sexual attraction becomes far more focused on the body and diminishes other important aspects of a potential mate such as personality and relationship.

In our society violence and murder are seen many times everyday in most homes (via TV, movies, and video games) while simple nakedness isn't. Instead nudity (not sex, just plain simple nudity) on TV is the subject of huge fines and penalties, it is considered to be indecent and obscene! This is absolutely insane! Do we really want murder and violence to be seen more, and thus be viewed as more acceptable than parts of the human body, including the genitals? What kind of messages are we sending our children when we make casual nudity taboo, shameful, illegal, when we call it indecent and obscene and make it the subject of huge fines while images if extreme violence are common everyday things. In the book “Shame: The Exposed Self” noted child psychologist Michael Lewis links the violence in our society to an out-of-control shame and rage spiral.(6) When we live in a society that is more tolerant of image after image of violence than it is certain body parts doesn’t it seem likely that there may be a link between violence and shame?

Ever go out to pick up your paper or your mail naked? What about washing your car or doing some gardening naked (in the front yard)? You would likely be arrested, for indecent exposure and find yourself on a sexual offenders list, just for being yourself, nothing added! So forget a walk around the neighborhood, going to the beach, or the local pool, park, or gym naked. What does this say about ourselves that we are so very uncomfortable with nudity, that we are as a society far more comfortable with violence? What does it say to our children?

Is there an alternative? Can you help eliminate body shame in your children, help protect them from abuse, decrease their interest in porn, help raise their self-esteem, and give them healthy, positive views of their bodies and sex? It's not always easy, but it is possible. Many families and societies where non-sexual nudity is more common have proven that. “When parents are open about nudity and talk about and affirm the value of their bodies to children, young people are more likely to develop positive, healthy attitudes about themselves. This is also true when the subject is sex. Research shows that positive communication between parents and their children can help young people establish individual values and make healthy decisions.”(2.) When there is open, positive communication such as I'm suggesting in this article children are more likely to embrace higher values and treat sex and their bodies with greater respect.

But wait! Nudity is harmful for children, they need to be protected from it, don't they? Isn’t that what the “experts” say? If you think about it reasonably I think you'd have to ask how the sight of the human body could be possibly harmful. But sadly yes, some popular “experts" such as Dear Abby, Dr. Spock, and others speak out against family nudity. They do so without any empirical evidence to back them up, just a dysfunctional, outdated Freudian theory. Many people take what they say as fact, because they are supposed to be experts. Yet, when research is actually done, it contradicts their dire warnings. If nudity is harmful it has to do with the music or tone around it not the nudity itself. If the music or tone of nudity around children is sexual or seductive it can be harmful, if it is open, relaxed, healthy, and accepting it can be very healthy.

A look at cultures and families, which do NOT restrict nudity, to sex alone shows these “experts” warnings to be dangerously wrong. Cultures that are accepting of nudity are so free of sexual neuroses that one wonders how different Freud’s theories would have been had his background and culture been different. Some primitive naked cultures have no concept of things like rape or child abuse; maybe we could learn something from such “primitives”. Restricting nudity to sex usually results in more sexual perversion, addiction, and abuse NOT less!

Other warnings stem from religious beliefs. Sadly, many strongly held religious beliefs are in contradiction with scripture even when it is held to be literal. Christian scripture says: "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." (Gen 1:31), "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14), "For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,” (1 Tim. 4:4) and much more that speaks to the goodness of God’s creation. In addition it says: Woe to those who call evil good and good evil. (Isaiah 5:20), "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker" (Isaiah 45:9) and “To those that are pure, all things are pure, but to those who are full of sin and do not believe, nothing is pure. Both their minds and their consciences have been ruined.” (Titus 1:15). According to Christian scripture Jesus clearly said: that evil thoughts such as sexual immorality come from inside the human heart, not from outside sources such as what someone sees (see Mark Chapter 7) Yet, most Christians are taught that ANY nudity is sinful even when their scripture does not say that. Unfortunately beliefs are very powerful, and hard to overcome, even when they are wrong, harmful, AND unscriptural.

While hammers can be used to break and destroy things, they are usually used more positively for building and construction. Nudity and sex are no different; it depends on the context (how they are used) and the music (what tone is set) as to whether they are positive and constructive, or unhealthy and destructive. In some cultures nudity is so commonly associated with swimming, sunbathing, relaxation, recreation, sports, and everyday life that people normally associate it with a great many things other then sex. (As is the case with many families in this culture as well.) This seems be a far healthier context for nudity, as these cultures often also have lower percentages of sexual problems including sexual abuse, rape, and teen pregnancy.(7)

I wish I could say that children who are brought up to be comfortable with nudity and sexuality are never abused, I can't. However from everything I’ve read, heard, and seen, what I can say is that when sexual abuse does happen to such a child, the abuse is usually discovered quickly (sometimes immediately) and the harm is very minimal compared to children who are taught shame. I can say personally with even more certainty that for children who are taught shame the harm of sexual abuse is compounded many times by the shame, fear, and secrecy.

Research conducted at the University of Northern Iowa found that nudist children had body self-concepts that were significantly more positive than those of non-nudist children and that the "nudity classification" of a family was one of the most significant factors associated with positive body self-concept. Furthermore, nudist children showed a significantly higher acceptance of their bodies a whole, rather than feeling ashamed of certain parts. (8)

A positive body/self-concept is extremely important in helping to make children more resistant to sexual abuse as well as just feeling good about themselves. In a school “Body Safety” program a thirty-year police veteran said that child molesters have found that parents have taught their children that their bodies and sex are shameful and not to be talked about. Children are taught this to such a degree that they are usually too embarrassed to tell anyone about being abused so most molesters don’t have to threaten the children to keep quite. This detective emphasizes that the extreme body-shame most people have and teach their children is the biggest factor in allowing child molestation to continue to go unreported. (9)

The following shows that comfort with nudity can be beneficial even to those who have been abused. "This study examined the effect of a presentation about the holistic nature of body image and self-esteem, as held by those who practice social nudism, on the self-concept of abused women. A total of 126 subjects completed a two-part, pre-post survey to assess their body image, self-esteem, and overall self-concept. They were also given a series of questions designed to identify women with a history of conjugal abuse. There were four groups. Two groups were control groups separated as abused and non-abused women. The other two were experimental groups, also separated as abused and non-abused women. The experimental groups had significantly improved body image, self-esteem, and overall self-concept. This indicates that education about the unified nature of body image and self-esteem can be efficacious as a treatment alternative for body image, self-esteem, or overall self-concept. Implications and further research possibilities are discussed." (10)

The book " The Naked Child, Growing Up Without Shame," by Dennis Craig Smith and psychologist Dr. William Sparks was the result of a five-year study on social nudity and it's effect on children. It concludes with the following:

"This book and the five-year study it represents looked at the families who found a way to overcome the fear of exposing themselves, both physically and intellectually, to each other. We asked questions which today's society faces, and we sought answers among those who have personally reached solutions to our social dichotomy. The authors questioned many nudist boys, girls, men, and women in search of the secret that made them comfortable in circumstances that upset so many of us. What we learned was that viewing the unclothed human body, far from being destructive to the psyche, seems to be either benign and totally harmless, or to actually provide positive benefits to those individuals involved."

"We look forward to seeing more research that will delve deeper into this discovery which, to say the least, is in opposition to all that the popular 'experts', unconcerned with facts, continue to tell us."(11) However I must emphasize that while I believe nudity itself is good and certanly better then teaching shame it can be abused, the music or tone set can make it good or bad. If the music or tone of nudity around children is sexual, seductive, or negative, that it's bad, indecent, sinful, shamful, etc. it can be harmful. If it is open, relaxed, healthy, and accepting it can be very healthy and good.

Open communication is essential to protect children from abuse. Here is a partial list from the Advocates for Youth web site (2) of what families need to do to raise sexually healthy children…

Sexual abuse is one of the most difficult topics for adults to explain to children. We don't want to scare them. But we do want them to be aware of the problem, to develop skills that can help them get away from potentially dangerous situations and to know how to get help if something like this happens to them. Our goal is to increase children's ability to avoid abuse without giving them the idea that they are completely responsible for keeping themselves safe. How can we expect five to ten year olds to assume that kind of responsibility?

I've become increasingly concerned about the "good touch/bad touch" approach to teaching about sexual abuse. We tell children that there are two kinds of touch - good and bad - and that bad touching occurs when they are touched on the sexual parts of their bodies" the vulva, breasts, penis or buttocks. Because children are concrete thinkers, they interpret what we're saying to mean any touch touch on the sexual parts of the body is bad touching. This is horrible music.

In one school district that recommends the good touch/bad touch approach, elementary teachers are noticing that their primary students say things like, "Ruby (a classmate) 'bad touched' me." And older students ask, "Suppose someone 'bad touches' you and you like it?" We have to do a better job of differentiating between the playful touch of another child (who has equal power) and the abusive touch of an older person. Of course children still need protection from classmates of the same age who are bigger and stronger than they are.

Most importantly, we need to let children know that some touches on the sexual parts of the body are desirable and enjoyable. When they grow up they will probably want those touches from some special person(s). Even when touch is not desired it can feel good and this is also confusing for young children.

So how do we respond to this dilemma? I recommend that we eliminate the simplistic concept of good and bad touching and begin to teach children a more complex set of ideas. In my workshops, I present four basic clues that we can give children to help them recognize a potentially abusive situation:

1. Someone wants to look at or touch the sexual parts of their bodies for no good reason. Examples of good reasons include a doctor giving a physical, a parent bathing a young child, a parent checking out an injury, a friend patting them on the buttocks after a good play during a game.

2. An older more powerful person - typically a teenager or an adult - tries to get them to do something that they don't really want to do. In some cases a child of the same age can be bigger, stronger, and therefore, intimidating. The important thing here is to clarify the power difference in an abusive situation.

3. They sense that there is something strange about the situation. It just doesn't feel comfortable or they get a queasy (uh-oh) feeling inside. Whenever children feel that a situation just isn't right, they should talk to an adult about it.

4. The adult or teenager in the situation asks or tells them to keep their behavior secret. Or maybe they just sense that the behavior would not take place if there was another adult around.

These four clues can help children use their heads to figure out if something inappropriate is happening. If children become aware of even one of these warning signals, they should find an adult to help them. We must let girls and boys know that there are some things they can do to help prevent or deal with sexual abuse but that they are not bad or irresponsible if they don't do these things. Children cannot be held accountable for keeping themselves safe. That job is up to us adults.(B)

This is one of the most reasonable and well grounded approaches to preventing child abuse I have come across. If children feel that ANY touch of their sexual parts or that any nudity is bad, what kind of foundation does that give them? What kind of conflicts does it put in them to overcome as they grow and start to mature to hopefully engage in healthy sexual relations? The music or tone that adults pass onto children is critical to not only preventing child abuse, but also to raising well adjusted adults.

Many adults fear (there's that word again) that if children are giving positive information about sex, that they will want to do it. The fact is the better sexual information children are given, the more responsibly their natural interest is satisfied, the longer they tend to wait to engage in sexual activity. Often two years more than children giving little to no information about sexuality. They also tend to engage in more responsible sexual behavior. Why? I believe that the more positive and accurate information children are given about sex, the more they will value it and see it as something they want to share only with those they care most deeply for.

That is true for myself, to be blunt what happened with my neighbors was mostly pleasurable, I could have easily gone on to be very casual about sex, just to get more of those pleasurable feelings. But as I learned about sex on my own from library books and developed my values, I grew to feel that it was something so special that that pleasure should only be shared with someone I deeply loved, not something to casually do with just anyone. Children with little sexual information are far more likely to engage in sex irresponsibly. I believe that the more comfortable you are in expressing your sexual values (the better your music is) the more likely it is that your children will embrace them.

I highly recommend comprehensive sex education (NOT abstinence only!) to not only to help educate about and protect children from sexual abuse, but also to help them make better sexual choices and treat sex more responsibly. The more accurate information someone has the better choices they can make. If there is not a good comprehensive sex education program in your child's school I recommend the Our Whole Lives program sponsored by the Unitarian Universalist's and the United Church of Christ. (UUA) Check with congregations in your area to see if the program is currently available.

In a leaders section of the Our Whole Lives program about sexual abuse it says "The key to interrupting these cycles is encouraging individuals to name what has happened and talk to someone about the abuse. Youth who have been abused must learn to talk about sexuality issues in open and honest ways. It is important for all youth, but especially important for those who have been abused, to learn to feel good about their bodies, to clarify the difference between mutually consenting behaviors and exploitive behaviors, and to gain skills in negotiating these behaviors."(UUA)

In the book “Real Solutions for Abuse Proofing Your Child” Christian child psychologist Dr. Grace Ketterman talks about the great delight parents have when babies discover their ears, toes, hands etc. then she says “But what happens when baby discovers his or her genitalia? I’ve seen parents slap a baby’s hands for exploring this area of the body. This tells the child, “This part of you is bad. Don’t touch. Deny that you have sexual parts.” This increases the possibility that your toddler will grow to explore his penis (or her clitoris) secretly and perhaps excessively or will try to repress normal, healthy sexuality. Such children may be vulnerable to “exploring parties” with more overt kids. Almost always they will be afraid to ask or talk about sexual matters with their forbidding parents.”(12) Such children are also likely to be far more vulnerable to sexual abuse AND NOT tell their parents about it.

Childhood exploration of bodies in secret (because of forbidding and shaming parental and societal attitudes) is very common. These secret activities can leave a child feeling dirty, guilty, shamed, and strongly associating nudity (their and others bodies) with those feelings. This is the one area where I strongly disagree with Dr. Ketterman in her otherwise exceptional book. When a mother came to her with concern about discovering her daughter and a neighbor boy playing naked, while she was glad the mother refrained from scolding the children, she said she should have a talk with them. In this talk the mother should explain that she understands why the children are curious, but that sometimes curiosity can get us in trouble. That “some things are supposed to be private, including the body parts we cover, so even if a person asks if they can see those body parts, tell them no, and don’t let them show theirs, either.” (12) Yet, many other psychologists argue that the implicit message conveyed by a lack of nudity in the home and society is that the body is basically unacceptable or shameful – an attitude which may carry over into body shame and discomfort in adulthood. (13)

A very important message of Dr. Ketterman’s book is to not shame your children or communicate that any part of their body is bad, yet here she directly contradicts that by telling a mother to tell children that simple curiosity about their bodies can get them into trouble! It would have been far better to tell the mother that this is a great opportunity to tell the children how wonderful their bodies are. She could have also told the mother that it was unfortunate that she had to “discover” the children playing like this in secret. It would be better to encourage the children to play naked where she can openly observe their play. This would reinforce with the children that their bodies are good and acceptable, and help prevent such play from becoming “secretive” or getting out of hand with inappropriate touching. Teaching children to keep certain body parts covered doesn't stop sexual abuse, it does teach those children body shame.

Most children who are allowed open, naked, unashamed play have very little, if any, need to do this play secretly and usually spend very little time touching each others genitals. Remember, young children’s interest in the body is not yet directed by sexual hormones and they often find other things much more interesting. However, when nudity is explored secretly by kids the focus of their attention is on the genitals simply because those are the parts they have been taught they must always cover, so those are the parts they want to know about. That is why they are doing it in secret. This is important, so in case you missed it, let me repeat it. When children get naked with other children secretly the focus of their interest is on the genitals because those are what they have been taught they must always cover, so that is what they want to know about, that is why they got naked secretly.

Dr Ketterman did tell this mother that had she scolded or shamed the children, she could have dumped needless guilt on them with far-reaching damage. I agree with this, but feel that is what is exactly what would be done if the mother followed her advice! I absolutely agree with Dr. Ketterman that if a person (apart from a doctor) “asks” a child to see/touch his/her genitals that the child should say no and tell their parents about it. That’s my point, if nudity is open, NOT secret, someone asking to see or touch them in secret should set off internal alarms in the child. If someone wants this normal thing to be kept secret, they will likely feel there is something strange and wrong about it that mom and dad need to know about. However, when such openness is not allowed, children are more likely to be curious enough about it themselves and thus be more vulnerable to those who seek to abuse them. THIS is how curiosity can get kids into trouble; by not having it satisfied in open, controlled, and healthy ways!!!

If you want your child to come to you if someone does abuse them and/or you want to reduce the damage caused by abuse (if they are abused) your being comfortable with sexuality and nudity is of vital importance. As Dr. Ketterman rightly says if you in any way slam the door to communication about sex with your children you need an attitude adjustment. If you act horrified, ashamed, and embarrassed regarding a child’s curiosity about the body, your child will NOT feel comfortable talking with you about these issues. If a child has no confident with these issues when young they may have sexual problems as an adult.(12) It all comes back to your music.

Paul Ableman writes: "It is interesting to speculate as to what kind of model of the human mind Sigmund Freud would have constructed if he had based it not on clothed Europeans but on, say, a study of the naked Nuer of the Sudan. Almost all the processes which he discerns as formative for the adult mind would have been lacking. Freud assumes that children will not normally see each other naked and that, if they do happen to, the result will be traumatic. This is not true of naked cultures. . . Thus great provinces of Freud's mind-empire would simply be missing. There would be no Oedipus complex (or not much, anyway), no penis envy or castration complex, probably no clear-cut phases of sexual development. We are emerging rapidly from the era of Freudian gospel . . . and can now perceive the extent to which he himself was the victim of prevailing ideas and prejudices."(14)

In “Deceived by Shame Desired by God” Christian therapist Cynthia Spell Humbert says: “Sexual abuse brings up a wealth of different emotions. Many clients have explained that – to their dismay –they experienced physical pleasure. Feeling terror and pleasure at the same time makes for an especially intense confusion, which often causes the victim to feel shame and self-blame. God created our bodies to enjoy sexual arousal. Arousal is normal. The abuse of these feelings makes victims feel that their own body betrayed them.” (15)

As someone from a shame based background, I believe that it is absolutely essential for parent’s to create an atmosphere of openness and comfortableness about sex and the body so that if their children are ever sexually abused, they are more likely to tell their parents. Comfort with nudity can be an important part of this. At least that seems to be the experience of many who have grown up in families, which are open, accepting of, and comfortable with nudity. Most any play with water or messy things allows great opportunities for playing nude. It also makes much more since, as skin dries much faster and is far more comfortable than wet, cold, clingy clothing (such as bathing suits) and skin is also much easier to clean than clothes with most messy things like finger paints, dirt, or the makings of cookies or cakes.

Nudity is already far too sexualized in the media, if nudity is seen on TV or in the movies it is almost always in a sexual context. Children need something to offset that and show that nudity is not just about sex. They need to see that nudity is good for many things, such as wet things like swimming. Also, while it is good to set an example of comfort with nudity, a child (or anyone) should never be forced to be nude. That can be perceived as an invasion of privacy and abuse. Nudist clubs do set rules requiring nudity for activities such as swimming; this is fine (for home as well) as long as no one is forced to participate in that activity. With a good example of comfort set most children (and adults for that matter) quickly become comfortable with being nude themselves. Remember, the context is important, for nudity to be beneficial for children (especially in the context of the culture we live in) it must be comfortable, non-sexual, and not forced.

I believe that body-shame in addition to shutting off communication, can cause as much, or more, fear, guilt, pain, and scarring as abuse itself. My hope is that you will work to prevent and/or decrease the harmful effects of sexual child abuse by making sexuality and nudity separate and comfortable for your family and teaching your children that the human body is good, pure, decent, and acceptable. The best way is by example, the best time is now. What is planted in our lives is what we will harvest, what attitudes about the body and sex do you want planted in your children's lives?

Some would argue if it's good for kids to see nudity why not sex too? Well, if a child walks in on parents making love, I don't think it would harm them, most child psychologists would agree. But that is far different than intentionally having open sex around children. It's good for kids to see nudity because that is our bodies, if a certain part of ourselves must always be covered we are saying it's bad. This is especailly true in a society where it's "indecent" or obscene not to cover parts of ourselves. Although we are sexual beings and sexual intercourse plus other sexual acts are are good, they are something we do, they are not us. If you want to teach children that sex is a special gift to be shared privatly between lovers, than it is done privatly. It's not dirty, it's not indecent, obscene, sinful, or anything like that. It can and should be talked about positively. But it is a special thing that is done privatly.

This also brings up the issue of safety in numbers. Apart from a parent what business does one adult have being alone with one child? Sometimes in school and other situations there is a need for this, but it can be good to teach children if an adult is doing something alone with them that they don't think they'd be doing of there where other adults and or children there, they need to tell someone trusted about it. Especially if that adult asks that it be a secret!

The mind acts on its most dominant thought. If a person is taught that nudity is shameful, sexual indecent, impure, and obscene then that is how they will react to it. If a person is taught other ways of looking at and thinking about nudity (such as making it common for swimming, relaxing, play, sports, etc.) they will respond to it in those positive, healthy, non-shaming, ways. Making nudity taboo and thereby defaulting it to shame, sex and pornography causes a great deal of harm to individuals and society. It contributes to lower self-esteem and causes people to treat parts of themselves as indecent and shameful. The same is true of of how we are conditioned to respond to sex. If we are taught from an early age that sex is sinful, dirty, obscene, shameful, indecent, etc. that is how we will respond to it. We don't have to look very far in this culture to see sexual perversion rather than sexual health, it is no wonder with what we comunicate about sex. Only immoral actions or thoughts, how the body or sex is abused and demonized, should be viewed as shameful, not the body or sex itself!

Hopefully someday this society will see the danger of body and sexual shame and reject both. In such a society, casual everyday nudity would be common on TV, at local health and fitness clubs, swimming pools, athletic events, school physical education programs, and around peoples homes (without the need for privacy fences). Sex would also be seen as a good and healthy part of life, not as dirty or sinful. But that day is not today. A step toward that day can begin in your home by making nudity a common, accepted, healthy, everyday thing with your family as well as having positive open communication about sex. However, that alone is not likely to be enough to provide the best value in combating the strong nudity = shame and nudity = sex messages so rampant in our culture. To more effectively combat these messages children (and adults) often need a larger frame of reference than nudity only around family. In families where nudity is kept private and the rule is that everyone stays dressed when any friends are over the children are far more likely to feel that there really must be something wrong with being nude (since it is being kept hidden from everyone else). Most children raised in this way seem to soon develop the same body shame as all their friends.

When non-sexual, shame-free, nudity is common outside the family as well children are in a much better position to embrace all of the body, and nakedness, as something normal, good, and acceptable. This insulates them better against the shame-based messages they get from society, and better equips them to develop healthy and wholesome attitudes toward the body. Telling your children that you believe and want to teach them by example that the whole body is good, but that it has to be kept in the family because most people disagree and wouldn't understand may help a bit, but not much. It may also surprise you if you are more open about your attitudes about nudity around others, how many do agree. Many people feel that nudity is good but the subject is so taboo that they just don't openly talk about it. Children raised in families who are open about nudity around others, WHILE respecting the fact that many may uncomfortable with it seem to be the least affected by body shame. Being open about your attitude towards nudity around others shows your children that you really believe what you tell them about the body being good, kids pick up on that. As with other things, when you keep you beliefs hidden, they pick up on that too.

Respecting the fact that others are uncomfortable with nudity, means letting others know of your family’s comfort with nudity BEFORE they come to your house. If they are offended by nudity, they can decide not to come or you can decide that you and your family will stay dressed while these guests are visiting (to respect their belief) the important thing is that your children know that this guest knows you believe nudity is good, and that you are staying dressed to respect this persons (or their parents) beliefs, NOT because you're hiding yours. In the case of anyone under the age of 18 in our socirty today it's extremely important to let parents know first, before their kid's come over. It can be good to have parents from more than one family there as well. Many parent's realize that other families have different lifestyles. When parents with different lifestyles are upfront and respectful enough to let other parents know about it before their children visit, many parents will have no problems with their children visiting.

We have had dozens of kids visit with our children to swim naked in our pool and to play naked in our back yard and go to nude beach's without any problems. Why?
1. We have studied nudity/naturism and its benefits; and, we can answer any question a parent might have in an authoritative and logical manner.

2. For those who are concerned on Biblical grounds, we can show Scripturally that it is not in any way contrary to Scripture.

3. We are totally open about our nudity. We do not keep "our lifestyle" secret— which would breed mistrust.

4. We are fastidious about not allowing anything sexual or erotic to have any place in our practice of naturism.

5. We always ensure parents know that they may drop in unannounced at anytime, while their child is with us, to see what is going on.

6. Our confidence in the value of nudity for children is strong enough that it gives children's parents confidence that their kid(s) will benefit and not be harmed. (We actually had one neighbor who had boys a little older than our children ask us if their boys could come over to skinny-dip so they could experience it even though they were too old to really be friends with our kids.)

7. We always talk personally with the parents and answer any questions they may have.

Over the years, we've had dozens of boys and girls accompany us in nude activities. Not once have we had any problem with misunderstanding or accusations. (Kids whose parents would NOT let them go with our kids sometimes made accusations; but the children who did go naked were so adamant that nothing untoward ever took place that nothing ever came of them. It was totally obvious that the non-nude kids had no grounds on which to make their accusations.)

In a nutshell, BE KNOWLEDGEABLE, BE TOTALLY OPEN, and BE CONFIDENT.

- Paul M. Bowman, BC - CAN

In one of his points Paul said: "We do not keep 'our lifestyle' secret” If parents find out that their kids where exposed to nudity and they had no prior knowledge of it there can be major problems. Since nudity is not a part of some families life, and many people automatically associate nudity only with sex, that is understandable. The respectful and wise thing to do is talk to other parents and get their permission before their kids visit your house. Hopefully this article can help answer questions other parents may have, that is one reason it was written. It can be a tool to help you be more open in a respectful way when you share it with other parents to help explain how your family feels about nudity. There are several other articles on the reject-shame.com site that could also be helpful, especially from a religious perspective.

It's also good to let other parents know that you have some guidelines about nudity that are strongly enforced. Here are some ideas for guidelines that I hope will help.

1. Every person under the age of 18 who wants to come to our home must first have direct permission from their parents. Before they can visit we must first talk with their parents to explain that nudity is common in our home and why.
2. Everyone was born with the perfect swimsuit, skin. No other swimsuits or clothing is allowed in the pool or spa. Nudity is completely optional elsewhere, except that since many people don't have healthy attitudes about nudity, no nudity is allowed where it could seen from the street or other houses.

3. Participation is completely private. If a child wants to tell others that they went nude and it's all right with the child's parents, that's fine. In order to respect others privacy, they may not, however tell anyone about any other people they may have seen nude. It's up to each individual if, who, and when they tell others about their nudity.

4. Unless children from the same family first come with their parents, there is only one newcomer at a time. Those going nude around others for the first time will easily become more comfortable quicker when the only other people around already feel that being nude is the best way to swim, play, work, and relax.

5. Nothing sexual, No showing off, calling attention to, or teasing others about any body related stuff.

For a printer friendly letter/consent form, which can be given to parents for both them and their children to sign, Click Here. You can also copy and customize it to fit your situation.

Family oriented nudist clubs and beaches are also great places for people to become more comfortable with nudity and see that it can be normal, good, and wholesome, instead of bad and indecent. However in today hectic lifestyle most clubs are too far away from where people live to be part of their everyday life, still they can be great for some weekends and vacations. If there is not a good club close to your area, visiting nudist clubs while traveling can be a good option. Most clubs in the U.S. are AANR (American Association for Nude Recreation) affiliated visiting their web site at aanr.com can help you locate any close to you or your travels. Joining AANR directly or through a local club will help your family get into other clubs in the U.S., Canada, and Europe.

I wish I could say there was some place children could be completely safe from sexual abuse, unfortunately I cannot. Children have been abused at school, at church, at playgrounds, in scouts, in sports, and yes at nudist clubs too, a child can be abused anywhere, unfortunately it happens most often at or near home. With that said I believe children would be generally safer at a nudist club than at a regular campground, there are generally more people aware of perceptions and watching to keep kids from harm at most nudist clubs. And again it seems to be that when children who have been abused come from an enviroinment that is comfortable with nudity, the child usually tells someone about it quickly and is not as deeply harmed or scarred by it as a child who is taught shame, this is a hugely important benefit of a nudist lifestyle. I can not stress enough how much I believe shame compounds the damage caused by sexual abuse.

Many parents are very enthused about the benefits of nudist clubs for children here is a small sampling of this from the book; The Naked Child, Growing Up Without Shame… (11)

A mother in FL said: “My daughter is two years old and the only child on our block who is not ‘ashamed’ or curious about another’s body. Hers is a wholesome attitude toward her own body and others.”
Parents in CA said: Our son was caught looking at some pornography, we spoke of our concern about this to a family counselor and he said: ‘You're making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Every young boy has normal sex interest and the very fact that he is trying to get information this way shows that, as parents, you haven't provided him with sufficient information. Now, if you were members of a nudist park this sort of prurient interest wouldn't even exist!’ We were astounded by this disclosure, but decided that if a man of his standing could recommend such an activity, we could visit at least once. We had never imagined how natural it could feel; we were over any embarrassment in about five minutes, and it completely resolved our boys problem. The capital 'S' was taken off sex, and it became an important part of life, but not the most important.”

Again from CA: “Before we went to the (nudist) camp our daughter made social judgments solely on popularity and physical appeal. Out there she learned to judge people by their personalities, and other human qualities. In time she may have learned that in mainstream society, but the club has a good place for her to gain an education about people.”

And a Father and Minister from TX: “Nudism offers an environment, as nothing else does, which is free from morbid curiosity, and one in which children can grow and mature with a healthy attitude toward body differences and functions.”

From an idealistic perspective, nudist clubs should not be “necessary” to promote a legacy of healthy body acceptance; we should be able to pick up our mail or the morning paper in the nude, as well as wash the car nude in our driveway, and go to the local beach, pool, or park, nude without offending anyone. Let alone being subject of arrest for indecent exposure. But, until society matures and becomes accepting of such casual, everyday nudity nudist clubs can serve a helpful purpose. Most nudist clubs are also in a more natural setting than a suburb or city, and thus can be good places to get kids closer to nature too. Most young kids usually take to social nudity instantly, and with great delight. On a first visit to a nudist club young kids are often undressed before mom and dad have even started!(16)

Why all this emphasis on nudity? It's interesting there are a lot of books written for parents on how to teach their children about sex, few of them say much if anything about nudity. In our culture nudity is even more taboo than sex is. Yet I believe that comfort with nudity is a major part of being comfortable with and accepting ourselves. Our bodies are basic to us, we cannot live without them. They are core to our identities we need to be comfortable with and accepting of them, not ashamed of them. This is so simple, yet such a blind spot to so many.

It was finding old nudist magazines at a university library just a couple years after my abuse and learning of a philosophy which taught that the human body was good, acceptable, and decent, rather than dirty and sinful, that brought much healing to me. As I lived in a family situation where I had to keep that secret as well it didn't bring as much healing as it could have, but I still credit that for most of my healing and I fear how my life may have turned out apart from that discovery.

There has been some research to support that non-sexual socail nudity can help heal the scars of abuse(10) and other aspects of this article. There needs to be far more research done in this area.

At home, beach, or club, social nudity helps people feel more comfortable with and accept their bodies regardless of age. Most nudists find being naked with others very freeing—it seems to release a lot of stress and pressure. Could this be because clothes create a social barrier and that people, at some level, have a need to be and interact with others free of this artificial barrier? Nudity removes the barrier and permits people to see what others really look like, forbidding nudity denies it. Going nude removes the false masks, facades, and images we create with our clothes and leaves us to be accepted as ourselves.

Social nudity allows us to relate with whole people, rather than the images their clothes create (such as rich, poor, doctor, police, priest, waitress, blue collar, white collar, etc.) Being nude is also more comfortable; it is functionally superior for many activities. Once you have been swimming or soaked in a hot spa without a swimsuit you will most likely never want to wear one again! Most importantly social nudity frees people from body shame. Social nudity gives people a chance to develop a healthier, more wholesome, simple acceptance of the human body.

It doesn’t matter how many times you read this or other articles; like anything else, you won't become comfortable with social nudity, or benefit from it, until you do it. Your children can’t benefit from it until they experience it either! Actions speak louder than words. Think about it. Imagine telling yourself, and your children, that all parts of the body are pure, wholesome, and acceptable, while never changing your actions to reflect that positive sentiment you would still always lock or close the bathroom and bedroom doors when washing or changing. You would still wear dysfunctional, articles of clothing for activities such as swimming. If so, you and your children would never experience nudity in a wholesome, positive, non-sexual context so the only way left to experience or see nudity would still be in a sexual context. Wouldn't the messages you projected for your children to see still equate nudity only with shame, sex and pornography? So wouldn't your and their response to seeing nakedness stay pretty much the same? Doesn't your family need the experience of shame-free, non-sexual social nudity to help counteract the nudity=shame and nudity=sex messages of the world?

Theory is good but there's nothing like experience. Help change you and your family's concept of nudity from unhealthy, negative, and narrow (shame, sex & pornography only) to healthy, positive, and broad (at the beach or pool, swimming, sunning, relaxing, playing, sports, working out, sleeping, house and yard work, camping, walking, hiking, etc., etc.). If you have taught your children shame, this is an opportunity to admit that you're human and you were wrong. Talk with them and tell them that after research you have discovered that body shame can by very harmful and although you will not force it, you will encourage them to reject shame and be comfortable with nudity. Start setting the example by getting comfortable with nudity yourself; hopefully you can also find a good nudist club(16) in your area and go as a family. If enough families take this approach I believe that future generations will suffer far less from body shame and sexual abuse.

If this article has been helpful to you and your family, please share it with others, it could help them as well.

Authors Note: I am not (yet at least) a sociologist or psychologist, I am someone that was abused by neighbors and grew up in a very shame based home. Those who oppose nudity because they believe it harms children are absolutely right to be concerned about children, but over and over again reason, my research, and experince shows that it is body shame that harms children (and adults). Rather than being harmful, I believe that non-sexual nudity can be absolutely essential in helping protect children from abuse. Unfortunately it is a very controversial subject and very little research has been done on it.

In this society this is also difficult to write on as it can openone up to attacks, distortions and taking things out of context. Something I have been a victim of.

Everything that can be done to find the best way to protect children from sexual abuse needs to be done! EVEN IF it means controversy by challenging strongly held preconceptions in researching the effects that non-sexual nudity or openess about sexuality has on children. Some small studies have been done, but much more is needed. Large studies and research are badly needed on this topic that can stand up the the most rigorous critique. I urge any one in the research community reading this who cares about children to pursue this much needed research.

To help professionals conducting such research or any one interested in founding it get in contact with one another Paul M. Bowman is working to help facilitate such connections.

4. Source: Sex and Morality: Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Dr. Louis Lieberman, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich Publishers, Orlando, FL, 1988

6. Source: Shame: The Exposed Self: Michael Lewis, The Free Press - Simon and Schuster, 1995

8. Source: Factors Associated With More Positive Body Self-Concepts in Preschool Children: Marilyn D. Story, Journal of Social Psychology – June 1979

10. Source: Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences & Engineering Vol 59(9-B), Mar 1999, 5104. Standard No: ISSN: 0419-4217 Abstract from a dissertation on treatment for body image and self-esteem with abused women, by Richard Eugene Pearl Sr. at Tennessee State University

11. Source: The Naked Child, Growing Up Without Shame: Dennis Craig Smith with Dr. William Sparks, Elysium Growth Press, Los Angeles, CA – 1986

12. Source: Real Solutions for Abuse Proofing Your Child: Dr. Grace Ketterman, Vine Books, Ann Arbor, MI - 2001

B. Source: When Sex Is The Subject Attitudes and Answers for Young Children Pamela M. Wilson, MSW
1991 ETR Associates, Santa Cruz, CA

13. Source: Richard A. Gardner: Exposing Children to Parental Nudity, Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, June 1975

14. Source: The Anatomy of Nakedness: Paul Ableman, Elysium Growth Press, Los Angeles, CA – 1982

15. Source: Deceived by Shame Desired by God: Cynthia Spell Humbert, Navpress, Colorado Springs, CO, 2001

16. One note of caution: Please find out as much as you can about a nudist club before taking children. While some are very family oriented, many clubs in the U.S. have very few children or activities for them. In places with few other children for playmates your kids could be easily bored. ALSO, unfortunately not all so called “nudist” clubs restrict nudity from being openly sexualized, thus not all are fit for children. Fortunatly AANR has become much better at inforcing higher family friendly standards and have removed a couple very large clubs that had become more sexual. Some clubs have a largely older retired membership that do not openly welcome children even if they promote themselves as family friendly. Further as with churches, schools, after school programs, etc. there have been incidences of child sexual abuse at some nudist clubs. You are always responsible for the education and protection of your child, be aware of who your children associate with and how they associate with them.